How the chunin exams should have been
by Senge Waber
Summary: A slightly stranger version of the final chunin exam, where the sound invasion never takes place. Slight coarse language. Chapter 7 fixed up because of a hole pointed out by a reveiw.
1. Naruto vs Neji

Disclaimer: I do not and never will own Naruto. Only the ideas are mine.

Neji and Naruto stood in the arena, and the crowd watched in anticipation. A deadbeat that no-one knew had made it this far, only to be paired against a prodigy. Had this boy's luck finally run out?

If only the crowd knew how pathetically barbaric this battle was going to be...

"Fight!" The proctor yelled, but neither combatant moved. Instead, Naruto began to talk.

"You know, for all the mental bashing you gave Hinata, you couldn't take anywhere near the same pain I can. I can prove it too."

"Oh really? Then by all means, bring it on."

"Fine. The first person to blink, loses." Naruto pulled out two onions, and walked over to Neji. He gave one to him, and pulled out a kunai. "One, two, three!" They both cut into an onion at the same time.

"Still proud of those extra sensitive eyes of yours?" Naruto's had barely begun to water, whereas Neji looked like he was crying, and was actively fighting against rubbing his eyes. Neji blinked.

"Damn..." Neji swore under his breath.

"And we haven't even started with the lemons yet." Naruto pulled out two of the yellow fruit, and cut a piece off each, and squirted it into Neji's eyes.

"HOLY SHIT! ARGH! IT BURNS!" Neji clawed at his eyes, trying to wipe the offending liquid from his face.

"It seems I win that one already." Naruto stated calmly. The crowd was shocked. Here was a nobody, calmly torturing a prodigy, without breaking any of the rules. Hell, he hadn't even used a ninja tool on Neji yet, only to cut fruit!

"Proctor, you should call the match, it's only gonna get more brutal." Naruto turned towards the proctor, but he was just as shocked as the crowd. Neji's vanity and pride was his downfall, especially to lose to the village pariah. The needle had even fallen from his mouth.

"Don't call it!" Neji's once colourless eyes were bloodshot, an effect much exaggerated by the fact there were no pupils in his eyes, so they were akin to a demons.

"You can't use your byakugan in that state. Your eyes were hit by living tissue, so chakra would cloud the Kekkei Genkai you possess. And most people couldn't use their eyes in that state anyway, so right now, you're useless." Naruto told him flatly.

"You bastard!" Neji launched himself at Naruto, who lifted a fistful of dirt and threw it at Neji's face. It collided perfectly with his eyes again. Neji rolled on the floor, but his wet face made the dirt cling to it. Naruto pulled out a bottle of water, and wet the earth, making mud. After all, this pompous man had spent way too much time on his hair for Naruto to ignore it. He was just going to add his personal..._touch_ to it.

Naruto picked up the mud, and plastered it to Neji's forehead, and used his fingers to drag it the whole way through. Neji's once immaculate, shiny hair, was now a horrid mess.

"My hair! You are going to pay for that!" Neji had completely lost his cool by this point. The match quickly degraded into a mess of scratching, biting, eye gouging, kneeing, wrestling, etc.

"Wow, I've never seen two guys catfight before. Go Naruto!" Kiba shouted. This was priceless.

Kiba's shout had broken several others out of their daze, as only someone who was incredibly skilled could reduce a prodigy to this state using only equipment civilians could find, and use.

Soon, the whole crowd was cheering Naruto on. Photos were being taken, and even videos that were originally being used to tape the blonde's complete annihilation had queues for copies of the footage.

On the other side of the stadium, Hiashi Hyuuga frowned at the...battle taking place. His thoughts were not what one would have expected.

_I always thought you would bring the house of Hyuuga down, Hizashi, but I never expected it would be financial. Keeping this a secret will bankrupt us._

Pretty cold, huh.

Anyway, the match was called...eventually, and Neji was a dishevelled mess. His clothes were in tatters, and his hair was ragged, and torn in places. His eyes were still red, but they no longer held the same anger they did before.

Naruto was a fair bit better, as a brawl was what he was best at. His clothes had a couple of cuts, but even a cheap tailor could fix them. He had already healed, so he looked like someone who had walked a long way, but nothing more.

He held two fingers up in a peace sign, smiling stupidly to the crowd cheering his name, and ran for the stairs.


	2. Temari vs Shikamaru

Gaara knew he was next, but since seeing Naruto so effortlessly beat Neji, Sasuke wasn't so important anymore. Not like it mattered, now that Sasuke wasn't even there. Only Gaara even knew where he was, but it had significantly dropped from Gaara list of priorities.

So it was onto the third round, or it should have been, had Shino not been acting strange. He was dancing to some music only he could hear, and strangely enough, so were his bugs. When he began to sing as well, everyone had some form of mental scarring.

"We are family!" Shino sung at the top of his voice. With the bugs taking on a shape that resembled a human form, and making the same actions, the image was rather scary.

"I forfeit!" Kankuro was eyeing Shino strangely, and slowly backing away.

"The match hasn't even started yet, so how can you forfeit?" The proctor asked. Shino had been singing in the middle of the ring, so everyone could see him as he was singing.

"I don't care! Just get me away from him!" Kankuro begged. He was sure stupidity was contagious.

What Kankuro didn't know, was that Shino was trying to find out what drugs his body couldn't break down. And he had finally found one about half an hour before the exam.

"Ok, whatever. The winner is Shino Aburame by forfeit." The proctor sounded bored. This was going to be over way too quickly if this trend continued. "Next!"

Temari launched into the arena, and rode her fan the whole way down. Shikamaru began walking down the stairs. He couldn't be bothered jumping down, and he would just forfeit anyway once the match started. He didn't want to get in an argument with the proctor about participating.

"Go Shikamaru! Don't you dare lose!" Ino shouted out.

Now he wasn't so sure about just forfeiting. Maybe getting bashed up by the girl he was about to face, or definitely getting bashed up by his teammate, who would only chase after him if he tried to escape.

_This is so troublesome..._

After about two minutes, he finally showed up in the centre.

"Are you ready?" The proctor asked.

"Yep." Temari held her fan up, ready to begin.

"No..." Shikamaru said without any enthusiasm at all. He wasn't going to be listened to anyway, but at least he made his viewpoint known.

"Begin!"

Shikamaru crouched down and began making hand signs that Temari didn't know. Not one, but several. Temari retreated slightly, but Shikamaru showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. He just kept making hand sign after hand sign. Temari realised her mistake, and attacked.

"**Wind scythe jutsu!"** she called out, only for nothing to happen to Shikamaru at all. She ran forward and tried to smash him with her fan, only for the fan to pass right through him.

"Kai!" Temari purged the genjutsu from herself, and the Shikamaru in front of her disappeared. The real one appeared from the trees around the outside.

"You think you're so clever! ...Why are you holding a chess board?"

"It takes a while to carve the pieces from a tree, so I needed to distract you. From the moment I saw you, I always thought you were smart, so I thought we should settle this with our brains." Shikamaru looked really innocent.

_Is everyone from Konoha retarded?_ She thought.

Let's see, she had seen;

Lee, the boy who couldn't perform any ninjutsu.

His sensei, Gai, who looked like he had the same issues.

Neji, who had some sort of weird mental trauma that made him dress and act like a girl.

Tenten, who had a strange obsession with sharp, pointy things.

Naruto, who had used a _fart_ to win his match after the forest of death, then had a catfight with the cross dresser.

Sasuke, the only person even close to being as self absorbed as her younger brother.

Choji, the person who could turn weight into a useable weapon.

Kiba, who could all but be a dog.

Shino, who had bugs crawling out of him, and some other issues which she didn't want to know about.

Hinata, the nervous girl who would probably drop a kunai before she threw it.

And the list goes on...

"White or black?" Shikamaru broke her from her thoughts.

"Black." She decided that she may as well humour him.

About forty minutes later...

"Checkmate." Shikamaru sounded pleased with himself. It had been challenging, but he'd won without too much effort.

"**Wind scythe jutsu!" ** Temari shouted. At point blank range, there was no dodging this. Shikamaru fell to the ground in a tangled heap. "Checkmate yourself!"

"The winner is Temari!" The proctor shouted. Several people cheered, those were the people who had actually stayed awake.

Naruto jumped into the ring, and hauled Shikamaru away. At some point, he had untangled himself.

"Women are so annoying...man that hurt." Shikamaru said to himself.

"That was shameful! What do you have to say for yourself?" Naruto demanded.

"Uh, Ouch?" Shikamaru deadpanned. That was what he was going to be saying when Ino found him, that's for sure.


	3. Gaara vs Sasuke

Now, Sasuke's fight was the only one left. There is a difference between fashionably late, and annoyingly late. Sasuke was already easily into annoyingly late, and still hadn't turned up yet.

Gaara was already in the field, and was waiting for Sasuke to show. He was showing uncharacteristic emotion. Impatience. He was clearly annoyed with Sasuke getting in his way, without being there for him to crush and toss aside. Being in his way by not being there at all was something Gaara had not been expecting to deal with.

A swirl of leaves came, and Sasuke and Kakashi stood in the arena.

"Has Sasuke lost yet?" Kakashi asked.

"Be glad you came when you did, or he would have been forfeited." Came the proctor's response.

"Good." Kakashi eye-smiled. "Well, Sasuke, you're up." Kakashi leaped out of the arena.

"You should have waited 5 more minutes. Then I wouldn't have to wait to fight Naruto." Gaara glared at him.

This ticked Sasuke off. He would prefer to battle Naruto over him? Absurd. "How dare you even suggest Naruto's better than me!" Sasuke charged at Gaara.

"Begin, I guess." The proctor said seconds before they attacked each other.

"You aren't even worth the dirt on his boots. At least Naruto can use that dirt, whereas you couldn't." Gaara said past his sand wall. Sasuke hadn't seen the battle between Naruto and Neji, so Sasuke didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

Sasuke merely grunted and sent fist after fist in Gaara's direction. It was kind of pointless though.

"**Fire ball jutsu!"** Sasuke shouted, but the flames weren't hot enough to do anything.

"This is getting boring...Sasuke...!" Gaara glared at him, then began to perform an impenetrable sand shield. Sasuke tried to hit Gaara before it closed, but he was too slow, and was punished with several scratches for his failure.

"Well, whatever you're doing in there, it suits me just fine. Because this will take awhile too." Sasuke jumped onto the wall, and began a long and complex jutsu.

Up on the wall, Gaara walked up to his siblings.

"Gaara? Aren't you supposed to be down there?" Kankuro asked.

"Sasuke isn't worth the effort. A clone is enough for him, you'll see." Gaara responded.

"What happens if they catch you?" Temari asked.

"They don't have any reason to suspect me, so they won't bother to look." Gaara was gazing at the battle.

Sasuke was still signing. He had his eyes closed.

"What's your clone doing, anyway?" Kankuro was curious.

"Waiting patiently for the perfect moment. It'll come, soon enough." Gaara had his eyes locked on Sasuke. The timing had to be perfect.

"**Chidori!" **Sasuke yelled. He ran down the wall, picking up speed, and plunged his hand into the sand sphere. It made a nice hole of glass in the sand.

Then Gaara put his own plan into motion.

The sphere began to rotate, and ran Sasuke over. The sand grabbed his arm, so he was stuck to the outside of the ball. He was thrown against the ground, rolled over by the solid sphere, then peeled off the ground again so the cycle could continue.

If the fangirls could have taken some of the ground away, they would have imprints of a Sasuke shape in the earth, well preserved of course.

Thump! That was the fourteenth time Sasuke was hurled against the ground, and his skeletal structure barely resembled a human anymore. After rolling over him and peeling him off the ground again, he was thrown into the crowd.

"Uh, the winner is Gaara!" The proctor shouted out. The match was, unexpected. Sasuke was thrown about like a ragdoll. The unassuming were coming out on top in this tournament.

Gaara had the sand ball come past where he was standing, and melted into it. He rolled back down into the arena, and the sand slowly dissipated, leaving Gaara standing in the arena with the gourd on his back.

"Ok, now I have an announcement to make..." The proctor said slowly.


	4. Gaara vs Proctor?

"You will all draw lots for your next opponents, and for when you will fight. 1 and 2 will fight next, and that leaves 3 and 4 for the next battle." The proctor said slowly.

"Wait, I might not even be up against Naruto, or be fighting next?" Gaara was seething with anger. He had been waiting a whole hour for this moment (never mind Sasuke, he was already last week's trash in Gaara's mind), and it might get taken away right before he could reach it?

"Maybe. Draw your lot, and we'll find out." The proctor told him. Gaara reached in, and drew his number. It was number 2.

"Wow, that was pointless." Gaara was a little upset that he had to do all of this, just to end up right where he was all along.

Temari jumped down, and walked over to the box. She withdrew her own number. It was a four, also just like the original setup.

Naruto jumped down, and walked towards the box, everyone cheering him on.

After waving a couple of times to everyone, he pulled out a number. It was 3.

Gaara stared at the number, the hate towards it growing. Then he looked at Shino, who was now number 1. Strangely enough, Shino was still singing 'We are Family'. That was the last straw.

This proctor was history.

"Damn you! I will prove my existence!" Gaara sent a wave of sand at the proctor, who narrowly dodged it. Naruto and Temari were having a calm conversation behind Gaara while he was busy trying to kill the proctor.

"You know, apart from maybe one person, I haven't ever fought a girl before." Naruto said.

"Maybe one person?" Temari asked.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure if he...she..." Naruto frowned in concentration. It was confusing. "Aha! _It_ was a cross dresser, so I don't know if I have or not."

"...Ok...? Anyway, our fight isn't next so we should probably head up. I don't want to be here if Gaara loses it completely." Temari began to walk towards the stairs. Naruto followed her, more because he was bored than anything else.

Gaara was sending wave after wave of sand at the proctor, strangely in time with Shino's singing. By the time Shino finally stopped singing, people wouldn't be able to get the song out of their heads for months. How the hell can you sing that for 45 minutes straight?

"Look, I'm not supposed to attack you if I can avoid it, so can you please just stop?" the proctor asked Gaara.

"Just die already!" Gaara shouted, and sent yet another wave at him. The Jonín easily dodged the wave, and sent several senbon needles in return. His aim was to neutralise him, not kill him.

Then Gaara tried a different tactic. If he scattered small amounts of sand all over the place, he should be able to capture him. Then it would be over in a heartbeat.

Even though this new idea was good in theory, his reaction speed was nowhere near that of the Jonín proctor, and so the proctor continued to elude his grasp.

"Damn it, just stay still!" Gaara yelled furiously at the proctor.

"And why would I do that? Then you would kill me." He responded, throwing a couple more senbon at the redhead.

Gaara's sand snatched the needles from the air, and threw them back at him. The idea was to throw him off for a second, and from there he might be able to slow him down. But Gaara had hit the jackpot.

Trying to evade the needles, one had hit a vital nerve in his left leg, and from there, he fell over. With the use of only three of his limbs, he was easy prey.

"Heheheh...**Sand coffin...Sand burial!**" Gaara finally caught the elusive man. He killed him for his part in the change of line-up, and if he found out who started it, they would die as well. "Can we have another, smarter proctor, please?"

Gaara stood in the centre of the ring, waiting for the still singing Shino to come down. He was moving down the stairs, just in a slow, dancing fashion. Anko decided to fill the role, something about the redhead just warmed her heart.

"Ok then! When Shino finally gets down here, match 5...or is it 4? Who cares, it can finally start. MOVE IT, SLOW POKE!" She yelled at Shino, but there was no visible effect.

"This could take awhile." Gaara sung those words to the melody of 'We are Family'. That song was going to be stuck in some heads for decades.


	5. Shukaku vs Shino

Shino finally made it into the arena.

Anko had to shout over Shino. "Start!"

Gaara's sand slithered up to Shino as fast as drunken lee.

"**Sand Coffin, Sand Burial!"** and the infernal song ended. "Finally..." Gaara closed his eyes.

Happy endings just never happen in a ninja world, do they?

A sound akin to a badly bashed up radio that still worked somehow rose from the sand. Bugs started to form together into Shino's shape, and the song grew in intensity. Before long, Shino was whole again.

Gaara blinked in confusion. He could have sworn that ridiculous song had ended. "What are you...?"

"All my sisters and me!" Shino sang.

Gaara felt a rumbling in the core of his mind. Even Shukaku was calling for this..._thing's_ blood. His vision blurred in his left eye. It was even taking control to squash the annoying insect.

"Shut up!" Gaara growled, and his right arm transformed, skewering Shino. The bugs just reformed beside the arm, and the damned song continued. Gaara held his head in his hands, one real, one grotesquely transformed (it looked rather uncomfortable too, how he had to wedge it in the ground to properly cover his ears). "Mother...make it stop...I don't care, just shut it up!...No! I can't listen to it anymore!...Silence it!" Gaara's left arm also transformed, and he grew a tail. He looked like a miniature Shukaku now.

Gaara slashed wildly at the singing figure, and tore him in three. He didn't know how much worse he had just made it on himself.

Instead of all the bugs rejoining the original, they stayed split into three individuals, and reformed into three Shinos, each just over half the height of the original. They all were singing and dancing now, though they weren't quite singing the same pitch. It grated on the ears, that slight difference.

Shukaku couldn't take this extra torture, and lost its mind, anything to destroy that infuriating voice. It was slowly growing in size, but Shukaku just couldn't kill the insect man.

"_**Argh! Die! Die! Die!" **_Shukaku yelled at the dividing figure. Every time Shukaku slashed Shino, two slightly smaller individuals would take its place. Shino was a full-fledged cheerleading squad by now, and almost in tune. Shukaku decided that if he crushed them instead, he might just eradicate them, one by painful one. But the first one he crushed, reformed as only one Shino on his 'hand', and was dancing his way up its arm. Shukaku flung it off in desperation.

Shukaku gripped its head in fury, and released an ear-splitting roar to the heavens.

"WE ARE FAMILY!" The Shinos exclaimed at the same time. The result was an almost completely deaf crowd. Most of them weren't complaining, though. Shino had ingrained that song in their heads for eternity. _Any_ release from it was welcome.

"**Desert Sand Press!"** Shukaku was getting desperate, and covered the floor of the arena with sand. He lifted it up to form a perfect seal, and slammed it down on the army of Shinos.

"_**Finally..."**_ Shukaku sighed in relief. Shino walked out into the arena from the stairs.

"Man, now I know why illegal drugs are illegal...I'm gonna have the worst headache and queasy stomach tomorrow..." Shino shook his head. He really shouldn't have experimented with his ability to break down drugs just before the exams. That probably could have ended a lot worse.

Shukaku saw Shino's form, and his _insanity_ cracked.

"_**NOOOOOO! I can't take it anymore!" **_Shukaku crumbled into a mass of sand. Gaara walked out like he was in a daze.

"Heh, looks like...I...win...?" Gaara was confused. Shukaku had crumbled, sand was _everywhere_, yet this person still stood. Had he _beaten_ Shukaku? How was that even possible?

"Have I missed something? This isn't the finals, is it?" Shino was almost as confused as Gaara was. He had sent a bug clone to fill in for him at the exams, but everyone was terrified of him now. What the hell had happened?

Gaara backed away from him. "Forfeit! I forfeit!" Gaara pleaded as he ran up the stadium wall, and out of the arena.

"...Ok, could someone tell me what the hell is going on?" Shino looked at Anko.

"You just made it to the finals, kid. A word of advice, though, never, ever, sing 'We are Family' _ever_ again. I don't think even Orochimaru could compete with that for the creepiest thing ever award."

"...Ouch." Shino turned to look straight ahead. He was going to get punished _so_ badly for this.


	6. Naruto vs Temari

Shino began to walk from the arena. Gaara was, apparently, the toughest of the entire group of Chunín candidates, and yet _him_ of all people had scared him off. That couldn't have been only his singing, could it?

"Shino is the winner! Now we have Naruto and Temari!" The people in the crowd who could still hear cheered for two reasons. One, that the song that Shino was singing had ended, after a whole 90 minutes, and two, that Naruto was back in the stage. How could he completely embarrass another opponent? Only time could tell...

Naruto and Temari stood in the centre of the ring.

"Fight!" Anko shouted happily. After last match, anything could be better.

"So, what little mind games do you have in store for me?" Temari asked.

"One, why would I tell you, and two, even if I did, 'cause I don't." Naruto replied.

"...That doesn't even make sense." Temari was trying to figure out what the hell he said. This proved it, she couldn't speak moron. She should ask Kankuro what it meant later. He spoke both languages.

Naruto just looked at her strangely.

_It made perfect sense in my head...some people sure are strange._ Naruto thought to himself.

"Damn it! Fight already! I wanna see some blood!" Anko growled loudly.

Both combatants looked at her, then each other.

Naruto was the first to recover. He shrugged. "Whatever." He got into a brawler's wide stance.

Temari just readied her fan. She wouldn't even need to open it for this kid.

Naruto charged at Temari, and got brained.

Naruto's face looked like it had just gone through a blender.

And then Naruto vanished in a puff of smoke.

Temari looked startled, and swung wildly behind her.

Nothing.

"Where is the brat?" Temari growled.

_Holy shit! Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..._ Naruto was thinking franticly. He was so damn close to the girl, but now he was too scared to unveil his presence. When she found out where Naruto was, he was dead.

"Call the match, he probably ran away in fear." Temari shrugged.

"No. I can feel him, so he's still in the arena somewhere, so _you_ have to go find him." Anko replied merrily. She knew exactly where Naruto was, and when Temari realises, he was going to wish that clone was him.

_Shit shit shit shit shit! What can I do?_ Naruto's mind was desperately trying to make a plan.

Meanwhile, Naruto's other clone actually did have an idea.

_Boss is probably gonna hate me for this, but I gotta save his neck if I wanna get out of this as well._

The clone put down the large object he was carrying, and jumped into the arena.

"**Wind scythe-"** Temari remembered what Anko said. Naruto was _inside_ the arena, so this was just a distraction. And it worked like a charm, too. Naruto de-transformed, and the fan she was holding the whole time was, in fact, the real Naruto.

Naruto was never one to pass up a perfect prank when he saw one, and this was too good. She was already holding him. All he needed to do was take it one suicidal step further.

"Hey, beautiful!" Naruto shouted randomly.

"Wha-" Temari began, but was cut off by Naruto's prank. All he needed to do was to get her to open her mouth.

He kissed her, full on the lips, in front of the whole crowd.

He broke the kiss, and escaped her grasp (embrace?) before her mind registered what had just happened.

Even so, he wasn't done yet.

"Wow, we should do that again sometime!" Naruto shouted as he ran.

Temari's mind began to work again, and the first two thoughts were:

_He kissed me. His real body kissed me. He's gonna pay for that._ Scarily calmly, and;

_Where the fuck did he hide my fan?_ Not as calmly.

When she caught up to Naruto, he was gonna be one dead dude.

She took off after him, and Naruto's only thought before she caught up to him was, _Holy shit, she's fast!_

"WHERE IS IT?" Temari demanded.

Naruto's finger pointed towards the arena wall. "Just outside the arena..." Naruto almost stuttered.

Temari ran off in the pointed direction. Retribution for the kiss would come next, after she had a solid weapon to bash him with.

Naruto's shaking had broken into a massive smile. "Hahaha! She walked out of the stadium! Ring out! I win!" He bounced around cheering.

Anko flicked out the late proctor's book. "Ah, here it is. In the case that one of the combatants is forced out of the ring, he or she is allowed back in, and the battle will resume."

Naruto's grin became one of pure horror. He had just given Temari a weapon to bash him with, and he had no more tricks up his long sleeves.

"But in the case that a combatant wilfully leaves the arena for tactical reasons, he or she is disqualified, as the area is not under supervision. So, I guess Temari is disqualified, and Naruto is the winner of the second last battle." Anko said somewhat glumly. She couldn't allow one of the finalists to get mangled beyond recognition unless it was part of one of their fights, and Temari's was now over.

People still cheered though. He kissed a girl who had a freaking death aura, and escaped with barely a scratch. And he used it to win his fight as well. This kid was earning a lot of followers, even among the ninja population. He was something no-one expected.

At least Gaara wasn't in the stadium, or there would be no final match.


	7. Naruto vs Shino

Sorry about the wait, but here it is. The final chapter.

.

Naruto and Shino were in the centre of the arena.

Everyone wondered what else Naruto had up his long sleeves. He was easily the favourite this exam.

"Ok, let the blood bath begin!" Anko shouted merrily. This should be good. Someone who could take down a demon while high, and another who had tricks coming out faster than Choji eating chips.

Which he was still doing, and he had been for the whole exam. The pile of chip packets was a silent testimony to that.

Anyway, the final match was about to take place.

"Why don't you just get the pranks over and done with now?" Shino asked, remembering Temari's match. He wasn't 'there' for the match against Neji, so he couldn't remember that match.

"Whatever. It's a lot less fun when we do it like that, though." Naruto shrugged and pulled out a jar of ants, and a can of insecticide. "Why don't you surrender, and the bugs won't get hurt."

He certainly wasn't prepared for Shino's response.

"Ants! Kill them all! Cannibals like them don't deserve to exist! They eat each other, bugs, eating spiders is ok, but they eat other insects! Do the world a favour by killing them!" Shino went off into a full blown rant as to why Naruto should kill the ants, not why he should save them and have Shino beg for Naruto's mercy.

"...Wow, I must say, that was...educational. I didn't know you felt so strongly about ants. In that case..." Naruto walked over to Shino, and gave him the can of insecticide. Naruto unscrewed the lid.

And tipped the ants all over Shino.

"AAAHHHH!" Shino ran around wildly, spraying himself with the insecticide. A trail of ants fell off behind him, and Shino shook himself like a dog that just got out of a pool.

Naruto just stood, pointing and laughing at Shino. "HAHA! You just sprayed yourself with insect killer! And your body is a hive of insects! HAHA!"

"In case you didn't know, my insects can process such basic toxins, and it's not lethal to them." Shino deadpanned.

Naruto scowled. "Plan B!" Naruto pulled out a brown paper bag.

"What exactly _is_ plan B?" Shino asked. He was a little scared, plan A was actually pretty good when you considered all he knew about Shino was that he was a hive of bugs.

"Plan B is a bag of spiders!" Naruto smirked evilly.

"S-Spiders..." Shino's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He just stared blankly at the bag. You couldn't fit many spiders in there, but the mind is a funny thing. He imagined swarms of spiders spilling out of the bag, and ran over to stomp on the bag before Naruto opened it.

It was too late, Naruto had opened the bag, and a bunch of dead spiders tumbled out of it.

"Maybe I shook them too much..." Naruto gazed at the small pile of dead spiders.

Shino was filled with relief. Naruto was so stupid. The spiders had actually died when Naruto was having his little catfight with Neji, and yes, he did have plans for everyone. Shiny new acid, uh, I mean 'oil' for Kankuro's puppets, an Itachi doll for Sasuke, and the list goes on.

Shino was actually feeling lightheaded, he had a deep seated fear of spiders. Ever since his sister put a fake one under his pillow...Shino shudders at the memories. That, and the after effects of the various drugs he'd taken were probably kicking in about now, were probably causing this strange falling feeling he was experiencing.

Smack.

Well, he wasn't feeling anything anymore.

Out cold. Point to self, big rock is harder than head. Do _not_ test.

Naruto stood up, and waved to the stunned crowd. They didn't know what had happened, but then again, who did? If they think Naruto did it, it was awesome in his book.

Then Naruto had a strange, out of energy feeling. Just because Shino was down, didn't mean his bugs were also out of action. They were sucking Naruto dry.

Naruto fell to his knees, and eventually passed out.

The Kyuubi was chuckling to itself. _**"That's what you get for using me to summon a toad, you brat."**_

Needless to say, the Kyuubi wasn't giving Naruto any of _its_ chakra. Karma could be a real bitch sometimes.

Anko actually didn't know how to call this. Shino was unconscious before Naruto was, but Shino was also the reason Naruto passed out. She was furiously flipping through the little book. Oh how she wished Gekko Hayate was here, he actually knew most of this ridiculous stuff. They just _had_ to send him on a mission right before the final exams.

Then again, he would probably have been killed by Gaara...no, it's probably a good thing he wasn't here right now.

Anko shook her sidetracked mind back to her task. How do you call this match? An idea came to mind.

"Ok, because, technically, Shino still has Naruto pinned down although he's unconscious, Shino is the winner of the final match. That said, Naruto showed remarkable talent, and will probably be promoted to Chunín, whereas Shino might not." She threw the useless book over her shoulder and walked off. Let the real officials clean up this mess.

.

I will actually ask for reviews now. This was my first attempt at a crack story, and it has highs and lows. Let me know what was **both** good and bad, and maybe what you think I could do to improve the story overall. If you don't want everyone to see your opinion, PMing or e-mailing me is fine, just be warned I don't check my e-mail that much. Thanks for sticking with me this long.

Senge.


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